Yes, officer, it’s your right to douche.

Often, sitting on the crash guard in front of my anodyne office, codename: gattaca, I see the bacon on the beat and envy them a little bit. Yeah, the grass is always bluer, but Prague has essentially zero crime. The worst your local Bobbyku will encounter is a Honza gone wild on piko or a gang of red star fans run amuck in the city center. Honza can be sent back to his parents flat in haje, while the red star hooligans justify the urban warfare gear pragues police force scammed out of the tourism budget. Such is life in the shire, and life is good, even if it’s a bit disconcerting that merry and pippin have body armor. It’s my firm belief that all police in Prague should be forced to grow Franz Ferdinand moustaches and wear ceremonial sabres.

Anyway, today I was cruising around town looking for a place to play bike polo. Karlovo Namesti, which used to be europe’s largest public square, is paved. Aside from the tarmac, it has a supplemental coating of discarded needles from the unemployed pieces of dog shit that hang out there all day and night, scaring my wife and occasionally shooting innocent CTV cameramen. They are swine, and deserve to be beaten down by some proper Richmond cops, the guys who rape drunk drivers with batons before dumping them in Henreico county somewhere far from a bus line. Junior officer Honza McFly was on duty in the park today, trying like a waiter at the corner pub to avoid eye contact with anyone that could require him to do his job. I was practicing track stands, in order to fulfill my promise to drink a beer whilst standing if more than 5 people man up to bike polo, and JO McFly litterally ran past a bench of unemployed to scream me off the bike. I was, as is required of track stands, standing still.

“Verbotten!” he said, sweating from the exertion. Verbotten? Was it the chrome bike or the yellow glasses that made him think I was German? My mistake. The yellow glasses improve contrast, but they are evidently ausfahrt. I took them off and said, What?? Indeed, riding a bike in Prague is considered a threat to human health and safety, while a row of hep-infested junkies hassling girls and old people is something to approach with caution and empathy. Verbotten ist douchebag, Junior Officer McFly. Hope you get your teeth kicked in by a 12 year old Serbian basketball fan.

Found a spot, by the way. Right across the river from another bike shop that’s closed on the weekends. More Austrian than Austrian, I like to say, making sure not to hit a needle and get a puncture.


~ by themicah on August 30, 2009.

One Response to “Yes, officer, it’s your right to douche.”

  1. hey there,

    this is martin writing from

    i almosst forgot about your comment on our trailer…you were offering to arrange a premiere in prague…sounds aweome, we’d be interested!

    what are your plans?!

    martin – fixed city

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